


Time Stops Among The Sleeping Half

by robertstanion



Category: Black Friday - Team StarKid
Genre: Angst, Autistic!John McNamara, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Wedding, and also a conversation we had last night, and at his own WEDDING, and i get flashbacks to red wedding - sypf, anxious! Xander Lee, anyways i love zoya send tweet, bcs im not a coward, john doesnt die in sypf but pAUL DOES, so john dies, so uh, this is based on zoyas fic, tw: shooting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-03
Updated: 2020-11-03
Packaged: 2021-03-08 17:49:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,085
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27370732
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/robertstanion/pseuds/robertstanion
Summary: After messing around with the new tech xander managed to find, he discovers something that sends him spiralling. John's there to catch him, but can it be enough?
Relationships: Xander Lee/John McNamara
Comments: 2
Kudos: 4





	Time Stops Among The Sleeping Half

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Zoya113](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zoya113/gifts).



> so, if u didnt catch the tags, yes this is based on Zoya's fic "you are not immune to your own bad timeline." Before anyone asks, no i didn't rewrite it, but that fic has been bUGGING ME and bcs i like putting mcnamander through pain, i answered my own questions. And for your local trigger warnings-:
> 
> TWS: death, shooting

If he was being honest, he wasn’t sure how he ended up in the position he had. He’d accidentally found a piece of tech that enabled him to look into the other universes, and not just any universes, but _all_ of them, all at once. It was a breakthrough for PEIP and for himself, as it would help to configure how to deal and resolve issues if they were to repeat again, which was unlikely, but there was always that chance. Purely excited, he called Schaffer in, and one of the younger agents followed as well.

Thinking back, it had been Schaffer to make it a game. Which one of them would adopt a pet first became the first bet, and they all placed their money on each other. Needless to say, it had been Benny, the younger agent, who got the money. From then on, they dropped whatever assignments they’d been working on, and their focus remained fixed on the screens. They wanted to know what other versions of themselves were doing as if it were a TV Show, but it was other versions of themselves making fools out of one another.

Eventually, he called John into the office, a wide smile on his face. John had to see this. He’d love this kind of thing…or maybe he wouldn’t. John…he was an amazing man, but things like this could overwhelm him a little too easily. It wasn’t his fault, he just got confused, and when he didn’t understand something, his sensory issues would flare up and he’d get upset.

When he walked in, Xander immediately shushed him, letting Benny explain what was going on. John immediately tried to shut it down, saying it was too dangerous. Xander was swept up, looking at other versions of his husband, getting caught up in musician! Au John. He wondered if John had any musical talents in that present universe? John rarely sang, so maybe he was an amazing singer. Xander wouldn’t ever know unless John decided to prove it to Xander himself.

John left after warning them not to spend all day on it and to get their jobs done with discipline in his voice. Xander shrugged it off. It was usually what his husband was like, usually how his husband spoke. _His husband._ He smiled at the thought. If there was ever a bad day, he’d look at the ring on his finger and remind himself what he was truly in for; eternity with his general hadn’t been something he’d expected before, but they’d known each other for so many years, it was hard not to love the man. But John was his husband, and he was alive, and Xander was going home to him tonight and making him dinner and coffee before curling up against his side in bed. He spoke too soon. He figured that out after watching one of the dimensions. Xander was going home to his John…but not every single version of himself would…

It ruined his mood. He was hesitant to look at the screen again for the rest of it, the vision still playing in his mind. It was only text on a screen, but it created a vivid image in Xander’s mind. Having a distinct eye for detail was a blessing and a curse. It opened new windows for him and gave him his artistic side where he’d sketch and paint, mainly John, but sometimes things relevant to missions at PEIP. The curses came with having to imagine the worst scenario that could come from a situation, and he couldn’t shake the vision.

He heard the door open again, but he hardly registered it. There was a sudden lump in his throat he hadn’t made himself aware of before, and his eyes burnt as if he were about to cry. He couldn’t cry, not at work. He looked up at the screen and watched a different Xander’s life appear in front of his eyes at fifty words per second. He’d just taken John on their first date in high school. He sighed, and his entire body became weighed down. If only that’s what could have cheered him up.

Maybe he hadn’t realised it was obvious he was upset, which is why he was so surprised when he heard a familiar knock on his door. He heard the voice, and he felt his heart sink further. He greeted his husband with a weak smile, almost like it couldn’t form, almost like he couldn’t smile because it didn’t suit him. He flicked back to the screen and swallowed thickly. Him and John were moving in together. He remembered when he and John actually moved in with each other. It was a bittersweet memory, and one he was fond of, but he couldn’t bring himself to accept that fact.

At some point, John had stepped forward and had taken a seat in where Benny had been sitting, but Xander didn’t look at him. John’s voice was warm, as were his hands as he took Xander’s hand into both of his, clasping it. Xander’s breath almost hitched. Almost. They began to converse, and Xander was tired, weighed down. He didn’t want to talk; he wanted to be shut away in his lab, curl up in the corner and cry, mourning the man he’d never met. But he had met him, just not _that_ man and- and-and he told John to give him time. He needed to process it.

He left. At least he didn’t question it. In the time John was gone from the room, Xander ended up getting caught up in his thoughts again. He was tempted to shut the computer off all together, to grab a blanket from his lab that was there in case John had a sensory overload or a panic attack and needed an escape. He felt so childish. He’d seen much worse…but it’s always worse when you lose someone so close to you…

* * *

The morning was perfect. The entire day was perfect. He’d rolled over and opened his eyes and looked up, the other half of the pair already doing the bare minimum to change. He’d laughed and sat up, propping himself up on his elbows, watching as he combed his hair in the mirror. “Mr McNamara.”

“Good morning,” John said, followed by a sharp grunt of frustration.

Xander smiled and beckoned him over to the bed, sitting up, patting the space in front of him. John got the memo and sat in front of him. Xander took the brush and began to section his fiancé’s hair so it was easier to deal with. “We get married today.”

“I hadn’t noticed,” John huffed and crossed his arms over his chest, before deciding he couldn’t fidget if his hands were holding his arms, so he uncrossed them and reached for a stone he liked. One side was smooth, and one wasn’t. In extreme cases, it’d make a very good weapon.

“You’re nervous.”

“Only a little,” John said as he looked at the small stone, running his thumb along the edges of it, before getting bored and hitting his leg with the stone, only to be stopped by Xander, who gently held his wrist. John furrowed his eyebrows and turned his head over his shoulder, looking at Xander, who had his eyebrow raised as if to say, ‘are you sure and why are you lying to me?’ John sighed deeply, stroking the stone again. “A lot…”

“I know,” Xander said as he returned to brushing John’s hair. “But we’re marrying each other in HQ, and nothing is going to go wrong.”

“I just…have a bad feeling about today.”

“It’s your anxiety spiking, love. My anxiety is everywhere.” He set the brush down beside him and sectioned John’s hair into three, beginning to braid it like how John said he wanted it for their special day. “Did you sleep last night?”

“Surprisingly, I did.”

Xander hummed at that and nodded. “I didn’t think you would.”

“Yeah, me neither. But I guess being wrapped up in your arms is the best form of melatonin.”

Xander snorted as a laugh and gently nudged him. “Oh, shush it, you.” He grabbed John’s hair tie from his wrist and finished braiding, tying it so it wouldn’t slip. “I’ll see you at the ceremony.” He kissed John’s cheek and could feel the warmth that came from John’s blushing cheeks on his lips. “I love you, Mr McNamara.”

“I love you too.”

He shouldn’t be crying. He should be holding the one he loves the most on the dancefloor, singing drunkenly along to the song they chose. It was their song, and it had always been their song. He’d twirl him around and catch John in his arms as he laughed brightly. And he was crying out of fear with John and himself locked up in their lab.

Some agents had burst in the room, ones uninvited, and they felt they needed to be at Xander and John’s wedding. John had tried to negotiate, to settle it, but they’d opened fire. Xander didn’t hesitate to grab John, pulling him into his office, locking the door. Now he was holding his husband tight in his arms, tears falling down his cheeks.

A while passed before John spoke. “I need to tell you something.”

His voice was drowsy, but maybe it was the alcohol. Xander hummed, and, in the dark, held John slightly tighter. “Anything.”

“I may or may not have been bleeding out for the past ten minutes.”

Xander’s eyes flew open and he hit the light switch behind him, and funnily enough, there was quite a large puddle of blood beneath John, and Xander realised something was wrong. Xander immediately let go of John and bolted to his lab, where he grabbed a kit and ran back. John’s colour was drained, and he was paler than…paler than John. His hair was loose and matted in areas from the rush of getting John to safety, but it didn’t matter.

Adrenaline began to plague Xander as he ripped Johns shirt open and flinched at the bullet wound. He removed John’s suit blazer and tossed it away from the blood. He tried to figure out what was the best way to approach the injury, and he carefully turned him over. An exit wound. Okay. That was good. He thought back to his medical training and did the bare minimum, which was treating the wounds and stitching them up. He held John close after, tears slipping down his cheeks as he looked down to the man, who was now quiet. Too…too quiet.

“I love you too,” Xander whispered to him, completing what John had said just moments before he’d closed his eyes, tired, on Xander’s shoulder. Xander wished he’d have kept John awake. No amount of shaking would wake him now. No amount of screaming, or sobbing, or holding him close would revive him. They’d gotten married and minutes later, he’d died. His John was dead, and now John was dead, there was no general, so not only had Xander lost his husband…he’d basically lost his job.

He thought he could bring him back, that somehow his soul had ended up in The Black and White. He spent days awake, searching for an answer, and he never got one. His John was gone, and he was never coming back. Xander lost a piece of himself that he’d never get back. It hurt too much to go home, so he didn’t. Living hurt too much. He was encouraged to get therapy, but therapy couldn’t bring the love of his life back from the dead. Nothing could help him anymore…

* * *

The thought was an unwelcome virus that was constantly toying with him. Now Benny and Schaffer were back in his office, and Schaffer hit the laptop. First, John had taken his computer out of his hands, literally, and now Schaffer was hitting the table as if the computer monitor on it hadn’t costed half of his wage. He made the announcement the couple they’d been monitoring were married which was enough to make his stomach swirl with dread.

Eventually, the two left again, and Xander checked the time on his watch. It was two and a half hours after he was supposed to go off shift. He made some quip to John about how the others seemed to cheer up and punctuated his sentence with a smile, but he should have realised it wouldn’t have worked. John was his husband, his living, breathing, uninjured husband. He massaged his temple and reached to switch the monitor off, but John gently grabbed his hand. He looked at him. John said he wanted to try one last thing, and he really didn’t want to be invested in any of John’s shenanigans. He wanted to go home and cry.

He let John have the reigns of control on his computer as he slid back into his chair. He loaded up a variety of tabs and watched as John pinpointed exact moments in each of them, freezing them. John took his place in a chair beside Xander as the physicist questioned what was going on. He read each one of them. John stopped them at the exact moment in time the two had found each other again, had stopped them on their first date, had stopped them when they got married. In every universe John had been through, they’d found each other. There was a certain ease that lifted off of his chest, and he let out a light-hearted chuckle even if it was quiet. 

John liked to point out which universes they were farmers in. Xander fought back with the ‘John’s a musician AU’ and a light pink blush dusted his husband’s cheeks. John told him he loved him for the infinite number of universes that they survived in. John confirmed the fact, and Xander managed to smile, slightly stronger that second time. He felt John squeeze his hand after he turned the computer off, and he threw his arm around Xander’s shoulder, kissing his hair as Xander calmed down. John always knew when Xander was agitated; he actually forgot how good he was at his job. He loved him so much.

Eventually, John did have to leave because he was on kitchen clean up, which left Xander alone again with his thoughts. The wedding came back to mind and it was a mood killer once again. He packed up his bags and swiftly left the building, heading to the JEIP. He put his music on full to try and calm himself, but it didn’t work. It proved how easy it could be before his John was ripped from him.

John was so vulnerable sometimes, and Xander felt the urge to protect him. He was the general and he knew that, but sometimes…sometimes John was an idiot that almost did get himself killed. The day John died would be the day Xander fell and never picked himself up. He always promised himself he wouldn’t fall in love, and he never once stayed true to his promise.

He got in at 20:46 and had a breakdown for forty-four minutes apparently and was still sobbing when John came in at 21:20. Immediately, John ran forward into the room, not bothering with changing. Xander felt himself be pulled against John’s chest, and felt John’s kisses on his hair again, and it made him cry harder. “I’m so sorry- you were right. It was too dangerous-“

“We don’t have to talk about it. You’re upset,” John told him as he squeezed him gently, moving Xander into his lap, but the taller man shook his head.

“It was- you died on our wedding day in one dimension.” Xander said and wiped his eyes, fresh tears replacing the dead ones. “And you got shot. You told me you loved me and seconds later you were gone. On our wedding!”

“I know, shh…” he said softly, wrapping a blanket around Xander, before holding him tightly.

“And it makes me think that one day, you’ll do something incredibly stupid, I won’t be there to stop you, and you’ll be _dead!”_ Xander was getting angry now, probably angry at other-dimension-John, so John did what he’d never done before. While Xander sobbed harshly into his chest, he began to sing. He sang Xander’s favourite song, while stroking his back. It was some song from a musical John had also taken a liking to.

John still hates musicals.

He found it in himself, though, to learn the words out of spite, so he sat there, leaning against the headrest of the bed, holding his distraught husband close to his chest, letting himself get lost in the music. John didn’t tend to sing, for he hated how his voice sounded. It was all too deep, all too rich, and it shook too much. Apparently, that was a good thing, because it was enough to get Xander to stop crying. He looked at John, shaking from the aftermath of a harsh breakdown, his eyes wide and tired. John leaned forward and kissed his forehead.

“I didn’t know you could do that…”

“I didn’t know you could have such a severe panic attack, but I guess we learn things about each other every day.” Xander practically collapsed on to his chest, and he smiled down at him. “I’m not going anywhere. I’ll plan ahead, I won’t dive into fire, and I won’t run into the depths of the oceans without knowledge of what I am facing. Zee, I love you more than anyone on Earth, and I think you are absolutely gorgeous. You are the most stunning man I have ever met, and there’s no way on Earth I’m giving you up because I’m a reckless bastard.” He continued to talk softly, shifting to lie down, placing Xander on his side of the bed. He kept himself close and kissed Xander’s forehead, watching as Xander’s breathing became steady and his eyes fluttered shut, falling into a peaceful dream.

John, as he stood and reached for his pyjamas, hanging his vest up, looked at his sleeping husband in the mirror. He smiled. With a large amount of reassurance, and a lot more comfort than what he was getting anyway, Xander would be okay. He was an overthinker anyway, but John would be there for him whenever he was needed now. He wasn’t going anywhere. He didn’t think he ever could.

**Author's Note:**

> why am i writing fanfiction for fanfiction what is going on im just that much of a zoya stan
> 
> and is johns stim stone a reference to stone the sniggle? idfk it's a reach but maybe !!
> 
> oh yeah and the third thing:  
> me sobbing while writing this chapter:  
> spotify playing 35mm: yOU MAKE ME HAPPY ALL THE TIME-


End file.
